GM has sold its Hummer line to a Chinese company, the Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Company. In just a few years, we can expect the Hummer to evolve into a completely new type of vehicle. Based upon recent news from China, we can expect the following:
1. The new Hummer will be painted with lead-based paint. This paint will be similar to the lead-based paint used by the Chinese in children’s toys.
2. The new Hummer will be fitted with Chinese tires. These tires will be the same ones which experienced tread separation (falling apart) with no warning.
3. Somehow, the Chinese Hummer will be contaminated with melamine. The melamine will be most likely found in the part of the automobile that children will put in their mouth. The lead-based paint will be also sure to be contaminated with melamine.
4. The durable metal accents on the Detroit-built Hummer will be replaced with cheap plastic parts. These plastic parts will be found to contain high levels of bisphenol-A. The cheap plastic parts will be concealed with lead-based paint.
5. The Hummer will be shrunk to 2/3 its original size. This is because the average Chinese person is 2/3 the size of the average American.
6. The fabric seats in the new Hummer will be manufactured with fabric made in Chinese sweatshops where children are employed, making 50 cents an hour. These are the same sweatshops that make clothing that barely lasts a year. Designer fashions use this same fabric.
7. In an attempt to provide an esthetically pleasing color coordinated interior, the fabric used in the seats will be also used for the new Seatbelts. A thick piece of cardboard will be sewn inside the fabric to give the illusion that the seatbelt is thicker and stronger than it really is.
8. The standard lead-acid automobile battery will be replaced by an improved lithium ion battery similar to the batteries which caught fire in laptop computers. The lithium ion battery will be relocated closer to the fuel tank. Surplus lead-acid batteries will be dumped in the famous Chinese Yellow River.
9. In consideration of the new lithium ion battery, the fuel tank will be relocated closer to the passenger compartment.
10. The new Hummer will be fitted with suspension similar to that found on the Hot Wheels toy cars manufactured in China. Have no fear, no Hot Wheel car has ever been recalled due to suspension problems. In addition, the Hot Wheel design has been time tested by the most destructive children.
11. Child safety locks will be improved. The locks will be so secure that even a skilled locksmith will not be able to open the doors.
12. Four wheel drive will not be discontinued. The transfer case, however, in an attempt to lower costs, will be eliminated. The front wheels in the new design will be driven by the forward momentum of the vehicle. This engineering masterpiece will eventually be known as Chinese 4 Wheel Drive.
13. The new Hummer will be built with Chinese steel. It will come pre-rusted from the factory. If you go into the garage where the Hummer is kept, at 2:00 AM when it is very quiet, you will be able to hear the car rust. The rust proof warranty will be limited to all non-metal components.
14. Somehow, the Chinese will figure out a way to make plastic rust. This will be corrected in future Hummer vehicles by painting the rusted plastic with an extra coat of melamine contaminated lead-based paint.
15. All nuts and bolts will also be made from Chinese steel. This will eliminate the need for lock washers. Rapid rusting will insure the bolts will fuse with whatever they attach, and therefore will not fall off.
16. Once the lead-based paint is discovered, a new lead-free paint will be used on all future Hummers. This new paint will later be discovered to be radioactive. The discovery of radioactive paint will cause a factory recall. Dealers will then have to paint the vehicles with a coat of special lead-based paint to prevent the radioactivity from escaping.
And finally,
17. In an attempt to make the Hummer a world class vehicle, the customer service department will be relocated to India.
Sooo … buy a Hummer today before it’s too late
